


Hold on; I still need you

by BrooklynBlue



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-10-20 08:57:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17619380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrooklynBlue/pseuds/BrooklynBlue
Summary: Feeling rejected by Vanessa and the rest of her family, Charity struggles to cope with the aftermath of the trial. There’s only one way that’s certain to make the pain stop.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: very dark themes involving mental health/suicide so please don’t read if you feel this will upset you. 
> 
> Need help? U.K. Samaritans: 116 123

_”You’re drunk. Go home, Charity.”_

Of course Charity was drunk. Drunk and hurting. It hurt so badly that she struggled to breathe, chest tight and head muggy with the rapid whir of thoughts that she’d only half been successful in blurring with the bottle of vodka that’s clutched tightly in her fist. 

How could they not know that things wouldn’t suddenly go back to normal after Bail’s was sentenced? Weeks and weeks she’d been forced to tear open that scar and continue picking at the scab, bleeding the hurt and humiliation, bleeding all the fears of a desperate fourteen year old girl who’d unwittingly got herself caught in the clutches of a monster. It’s not just the nightmares that have been plaguing her sleep, it was the flare of irrational fear she’d had to fight against every time she’d stepped out of the door alone or the panic that prickled against the back of her neck, burning down her shoulders. It was the look in everyone’s eyes, the pity that sent bile rising in her throat, causing her to cringe at the bitter taste of it. 

Victim. That’s the title she’d been delegated now. Even if no one said it to her face, she could hear them whispering it behind her back. Sometimes she thought she heard it in the passing breeze, as though the wind carried the conversations that went on behind closed curtains, winding itself around her ear and filling her head with paranoid thoughts. 

When she’d first left Vanessa’s house, Rishi had caught her stumbling up towards the Woolpack and shuffled over to see if she was alright. 

“Do you want me to call-“

“Get off!” Charity had screeched, wrenching her arm from his grip and almost sending herself toppling to the ground. “Don’t ever touch me again!” She spat viciously, and the bewildered man held up his hands and backed away slowly, as though he’d disturbed a wild animal. 

She felt the fury build up in her chest but it wasn’t enough this time to scream at unsuspecting villagers. There’s too much of it and with that anger comes pain beyond belief. 

It wasn’t as though she was expecting smiles, hugs and sunshine from any of her family. Hell if they tried she’d probably tell them where to get off. But the way Chas had simply dismissed her drunken stupor, ordering her out of her sight until she’d sobered up and warning her not to disturb the paying customers, the way Noah had decided to spend the day with Joe, it was Ross’s day with Moses and Debbie hadn’t even made it to the trial, let alone check in on how she was doing in the aftermath. In fact half of her family had been missing from that courtroom. Maybe it wasn’t fair to resent them so much under their current circumstances but this had been the one time where she’d so desperately needed them like she never had before. Not that they’d cared. 

_That damn Dingle Court. Stuff the lot of them. I don’t need them now._

The blonde barmaid had snuck quietly back into the Woolpack. Chas was nowhere to be seen and she wondered if morning sickness had overcome her cousin once more. Matty was leant against the bar, chatting to one of the few customers that were occupying the premises. It was quiet and so was she, enough so that she managed to slip into the toilets unnoticed. Entering the first cubicle she came to, she locked the door behind her and slumped against the toilet seat. The vodka was over half empty now and her vision was starting to swim. 

It felt pointless. There was nothing ahead of her aside from the anger she was going to carry for the rest of her life. Anger that would ebb into hurt, that would finally give way to numbness only if she found solace at the bottom of a bottle. What a mess. What a waste of life. 

The bitter, clear liquid burned her throat as she swallowed and she struggled not to gag against the taste. It was one of the cheap ones, it stuck in her throat like the hairspray she used to hold her curls in place most mornings. Vanessa seemed to enjoy toying with them, winding them around her finger, tugging them taut and watching them spring back into shape, teasing the strands idly. 

_Vanessa is far too good for you. She’ll move on. She’ll find someone else. You’ll push her too far and she’ll leave. It’s only a matter of time. Save her the heartache, you owe her that._

Oh her own heart aches when she thinks of Vanessa, no matter how cool she’d tried to play things. It still swells in her chest, trying to break through the wall that she’s been carefully constructing around it for years. Layer after layer that tiny blonde had managed to destroy, sneaking around the cracks, pushing through the parts that had already started to crumble. She was dynamite, blasting through every single defence the other woman had tried to throw up against her. Charity is sure she had very nearly made it through. Until she’d sent her home. Turned her down. Rejected her. Like everyone did in the end. And suddenly vodka was a temporary aid, the scaffolding needed to hold her in place until she could rebuild them and protect herself once more. But for now they’re laden with Vanessa shaped gaps and the hurt is seeping into her bloodstream, carrying despair through her veins and her mind is relishing in defeat. Once her head had turned Vanessa against her, the rest follow with far too much ease. 

_Moses barely recognises you and he’s got Ross, he doesn’t need you._

Charity grit her teeth against the thought, trying to push it out of her brain. It was wedged right in there, so she raised the bottle to her lips and took a deep swig.

_Noah can’t stand you, you know he prefers Joe. He’ll be fine._

_Ryan survived twenty-seven years without you, it’ll hardly be much of a loss._

_Debbie never has and never will need you, what use have you been to her? To any of them?_

_All you’ve ever brought is upset and trouble. And for what? Nothing has changed. You’re still damaged beyond repair, they still can’t stand you. Did you think it would magically get better? Get real._

Charity scoffed to herself, the noise echoing in the quiet cubicle. Cain had been right, she wouldn’t ever change. She dipped her hand into the pocket of her blazer and pulled out the small, orange tube. Sleep was a luxury she hadn’t been afforded, not without popping two of the small white pills that rattled around in the plastic container. 

_Do the decent thing. Put yourself and everyone you drag down with you out of your misery. Lighten their burden. Because that’s what you are and they’ve got enough weighing them down._

Yeah, she thinks that will be for the best. She won’t have to feel pain, she won’t have to hold up any walls. There’ll be no anger, no numbness. She could just fall to sleep, fall to sleep and cease to exist and if she disappeared then so would everything else. No more trouble. No more causing hurt. The idea thrilled her, that she can just escape like that. She’s out of strength and she can go guilt free knowing that at least with Bails behind bars, he won’t hurt anyone else. Weird. When did she start caring about others? 

This time when the bottle was brought back to her mouth, it was to wash down the handful of little white tablets that she’d thrown against her tongue. She choked them back, grimacing when they scratched her throat and the vodka still burned and her eyes burned and the tears burned. But it wouldn’t hurt for much longer. 

**IXIXIXI**

“Chas, have you seen Charity?” Vanessa rushed up to the bar, ponytail swinging behind her. The brunette woman looked a little peaky but other than that seemed okay. At the mention of her cousin’s name, she rolled her eyes, propping her elbow on the bar. 

“Not since earlier. We tried talking sense into her but you know what she’s like.” 

Vanessa winced, biting her lip in concern. The second she’d told Charity to go home she’d regretted the decision, but Tracy hadn’t been home for another half hour and she’d needed someone to see to Johnny before she went chasing after her inebriated girlfriend. 

“She came to see me but she was steaming and Johnny was home. I told her to go and now she’s not answering my calls.” 

“Oh I wouldn’t worry, she’ll be wallowing. You know she ran over the dog?” 

Vanessa nodded, Charity had stormed into her home raging about how if she’d have been given half the care and attention that mutt had, she’d have never been in the position she was now. She was about to try the other blonde’s number again when a customer sidled up to the bar, a frown across her features. 

“Excuse me, I think there’s someone passed out in the toilets.” She explained, jabbing her thumb in the direction of them as if Chas didn’t own the place. “The door’s locked from the inside, I’ve tried knocking and calling but there’s no answer.” 

Vanessa exchanged a look of dread with Chas, the darker haired woman’s expression quickly turning stormy. There was only one person it could be. 

“Oh she is so in for it.” Charity’s cousin seethed, shouting through to the kitchen in a demand of Marlon’s presence. Instead, a hassled looking Victoria came out of the kitchen, cheeks flushed with stress. 

“He’s had to go to David’s, we’ve had a disaster with the Tuscan olive oil.” 

Chas didn’t even give her chance to explain what had gone wrong now, she didn’t need the stress. As long as it was dealt with, her main priority was extracting the apparently semi-conscious Dingle (because it just had to be her) from the toilets before anyone else could make a complaint. If it wasn’t for the benefit of her customers, Chas thought she might have left her there to fester. But in the highly unlikely event that it wasn’t Charity at all, this issue was definitely a main priority. 

“Right well you’ll have to do, come on.” 

Confused but willing, Victoria followed the other two women through to the ladies toilets. It was eerily silent and Vanessa gave a hard push against the first cubicle door. Locked. 

“Charity?” She called out, knocking on the door loud enough so that her knuckles protested. 

It was still silent. 

“Right, Vic, look under and see if it’s her.” Chas nodded. 

The young chef looked outraged. She gestured to the sticky floor in disgust, turning her nose up at the idea. 

“I work with food, I’m not rolling about in the bogs!”

“Well look over, then! I can’t, can I?” Chas pointed obviously to her bump and Victoria rolled her eyes, pushing the adjacent cubicle door open and huffing slightly as she used the tip of her boot to flip the seat down with a heavy clang and climb atop of it. There was the whoosh of a flush then, she’d accidentally stepped on the metal presser in her bid to climb higher. 

Then there was a sound that turned Vanessa’s blood to ice. 

The scream that tore from Victoria’s throat made the tiny hairs on the back of her neck rise, fear prickling across her shoulders. It was blood curdling, the chef nearly fell from where her hands were curled tightly around the top of the cubicle wall in her terror. 

“Call an ambulance!”

“What’s happened? Is it her? Is she hurt?” Vanessa fired off, all for dragging the chef down and climbing over herself. Chas sprang to action and pulled her phone from her pocket, watching Victoria come stumbling out, her previously flushed face now nearing grey. 

“She’s- She’s-“ But it was all Victoria could manage, her dark eyes filling with tears. 

“What? She’s what? Tell me!” Vanessa had took hold of her shoulders, to shake her or move her aside she wasn’t sure, the panic had seized the back of her throat because whatever it was, it was bad. 

“Kick the door in!” Chas instructed, gabbling down the line for an ambulance, just about managing to splutter her address to the operator. “Well I don’t know what’s happened. Vic-“

“She’s done something. I don’t know. She’s hurt.” Was all the young girl offered, already gearing herself to aim a swift kick at the door. 

“Don’t kick it in, you might hurt her!” Vanessa cried, fumbling in her bag in blind panic. She was in a state. Her hands were shaking so badly that when she finally unzipped her purse, loose change spilled from it, rolling under cubicles and spinning against the hard bathroom floor, causing a series of shrill rings to echo around the room. “It’s only a turn lock, I’ll get it from the outside.” 

Willing her hands to stop trembling, because this was important and she needed to get to Charity, she slotted the coin against the lock and gave it a firm twist, until the red ‘engaged’ sign flicked to green with a loud click. The tears were present on her cheeks even before she’d pushed the door open. She could feel the blood pounding in her ears, her head pulsing as she carefully pushed the door open, a slow, ominous creak revealing the horror that she knew would be forever imprinted on her brain, would paint the backs of her eyelids when she slept. If she ever slept again. If she ever did anything again because her heart had stopped in her chest, all the air sucked from her lungs with one sharp cry. 

“ _Charity!”_

It was her. 

Slumped on the toilet seat, head lolling against the back wall. Blonde tresses were in disarray across her face, hiding pale, clammy skin from view. One side of the cubicle was splashed with sick, it was dashed up the wall, splattered across the ground and in it lay the empty vodka bottle that had slid from the woman’s limp hand. But it wasn’t that bottle that had caught Vanessa’s eye, her terrified gaze had homed in on the plastic tube that was missing a cap, medicine label curling at the sides from nights of Charity’s anxious picking at it. It was empty. 

“No, oh God no. What have you done? _What have you done?!”_ A strangled sob tore from Vanessa’s throat as she stumbled towards her lifeless girlfriend, wedging herself onto the toilet seat beside her and frantically pulling her upright, her breath erratic. She slid one hand behind her neck and used the other to push her hair from her face. Parts of it were clumped and sticky, they must have fallen in front of her when she was throwing up, but Vanessa didn’t pay a blind bit of notice to that. 

“Charity, can you hear me?” She asked desperately, her hand against the other woman’s cheek. “It’s me, it’s Vanessa.” 

With one hand supporting her head, she used two fingertips from the other to carefully part her mouth. She couldn’t see any obtrusions to her airway but she wasn’t a doctor and she was panicking, her breath ragged even as she willed herself to calm down and focus. 

“She’s overdosed.” Chas was still talking to the advisor, her voice robotic, factual, face frozen in horror at the scene before her. 

The blonde’s eyes were closed, mouth slack and if Vanessa had let her go she’d have fallen forward. But she didn’t let her go, she pulled her towards her chest and took the full weight of her, one arm around winding around her shoulders while the other grappled at her hand, trying to feel for a pulse. 

_Please be there, please, I’ll do anything, anything-_

“Yes!” The relief that flooded through her was mere momentary, because the weak, slow throb against her fingertips was only a very dull spark of hope. Time wasn’t on their side. 

“Tell them to hurry up! There’s a pulse, but it’s weak.” 

She watched Chas echo her words into the phone, the hot pressure of terror still squeezing around her entire being. It was suffocating. 

“Do we know how many she’s taken?”

With one arm still firmly gripping Charity to her side, Vanessa reached down and plucked the bottle of sleeping tablets from where is had been discarded. She hadn’t even realised the other woman had been taking any, hadn’t known they were needed. The label bore the recommended dosage but the original pack size must have been peeled away. Casting her blurred gaze to the ground, could see at least three that had been brought back up, undigested and congealed in the meagre and mainly-liquid contents of Charity’s stomach. Tears burned the backs of her eyes and fell hot against her cheeks as she shook her head. 

Both of her arms were now secured around her girlfriend, her hold desperate, both of them quivering with the ferocity of Vanessa’s sobbing. The tip of her nose nudged away blonde locks and she touched her lips Charity’s forehead, scattering frenzied kisses against her skin, tears dripping onto her marble face. 

“The ambulance won’t be long.” Chas’s own cheeks were damp, she was stood with her arm around Victoria, who was watching the scene with glassy eyes. 

Vanessa gave a sharp nod but didn’t take her eyes away from the still woman in her arms. Her heart was still thumping, every single beat bludgeoning her chest. It hurt, so much that she had to screw her eyes up tight, trying to shut unbearable thought that she might lose her. She couldn’t. Not now, not ever. 

“Please,” She begged, to who she didn’t know. Anyone. A god she didn’t believe in, to fate, to Charity herself, willing the other blonde to just hang on in there because her heart would never repair itself if she lost her and there was no way in hell that Charity had been through all she had for it to mean nothing. There was so much left for her to live for. “Please, don’t leave me.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: dark themes involving suicide and mental health. Please do not read if you feel you may be affected by this. 
> 
> Need help? U.K. Samaritans: 116 123

Vanessa paced up and down the corridor, though her knees were shaking and it felt like her legs might give way any second. She couldn’t sit down, she wanted to run down the corridors screaming and demanding that someone take her to see Charity or at least let her know what the hell was going on. There’d still been a pulse in the ambulance, Vanessa had rode with her while Chas set about contacting the rest of the family, assuring her they’d all follow on up. There hadn’t been many customers in the Woolpack but she was certain that wouldn’t have stopped the news from spreading around the village like wildfire. Not that it mattered. Nothing mattered other than Charity being okay. 

She clutched at her head, unsure whether it was the dizzying panic or the bitter scent of cleaning chemicals burning her nostrils that was causing her brain to squeeze painfully inside her skull. Glancing helplessly around the blazing white corridor, it infuriated her that staff were flitting in and out of rooms, waltzing through doors almost leisurely, as though there wasn’t something extremely urgent that they should all be focusing on right now. It was irrational to get angry, she knew that these people were probably on their way to see other patients, going for much deserved breaks, knew that her girlfriend would be being looked after, but it didn’t stop the surge of frustration that settled in her chest. 

“Vanessa!”

Spinning around so fast that her ponytail whipped against her cheek, her heart seized once more when she was Debbie rushing towards her. For a split second she wondered how the young girl had made it there so fast but then remembered Sarah. She felt a sob bubble in her throat; how was she supposed to explain to Charity’s kids if-

She shook her head fiercely to rid herself of that thought. She wouldn’t have to break any bad news of the sort because her girlfriend was going to be fine. 

_But she isn’t fine, otherwise she wouldn’t have done that in the first place._

The tears returned to her eyes, the whites of them already pink, tiny red veins erupting in the corners and snaking towards the glassy blue. 

“Chas just text me. What’s going on? Where’s mum? Is she okay?” Charity’s eldest demanded, frantically scanning the corridor like she expected the woman to appear. 

“I don’t know,” Vanessa answered, wishing she could tell her something more reassuring. “She was still breathing when they got her in.” 

She watched Debbie’s jaw clench and she gave a curt nod, opening her mouth to speak but they were interrupted by the swinging of the door behind them. Chas had arrived, walking towards them as quickly as she could in her current state, a slight hobble to her gait, ignoring Paddy who was dancing to keep up with her, warning her to go steady. Next came Zak and, much to her dislike, Cain. Or did she dislike him? No. She did. She wasn’t any of their biggest fans at the moment now that she’d heard about their part in allowing Charity to fall prey to Bails. They were tittering to each other now. 

“So she’s got herself plastered and downed a load of pills?” Cain frowned, looking over to Vanessa for confirmation. She grit her teeth at his callous manner and simply nodded, not trusting herself to speak. 

“She knows how stressed we all are with Sarah, how could she be this selfish?”

Her mouth fell open in shock at Debbie’s revelation. The words winded Vanessa, her brain searching frantically for the right words to express how _wrong_ she was. 

“Well that’s Charity all over.” Cain grunted, moving to slide his arm around his daughter’s shoulders. 

“Are we sure she’s even done anything?” Zak questioned, noticing the smaller blonde hadn’t yet given them any verbal response. 

“I found her in the bathroom. Chas was there.” Vanessa snapped, unable to keep the venom from her tone, her anger was bubbling closer to the surface at their appalling lack of concern. 

“Yeah in a pool of her own sick, we’ve all found her in that state before, had to hose her down myself a few times.” Zak recalled. 

“No she had the pills with her, I saw them.” Chas input, chewing nervously at her lower lip. She looked like she still hadn’t completely recovered from the shock. 

“Yeah, but she might have just been drunk. The pills could have been a scare tactic. I mean it’s not like she hasn’t pulled a stunt like this before. Classic attention seeking-“

“Oh will you all just shut up!” Vanessa suddenly screeched at the warring gang, effectively silencing them all. 

It was Cain’s brush-off that finally caused her to snap like a rubber band pulled too taut. Were they really all speaking about her like that when Vanessa was stood there terrified for her girlfriend? Paralysed with dread at the thought she might leave. Wondering what on Earth she was going to say go Noah or how she could even begin to explain to Moses and Johnny. Did they not care at all? 

“Listen to yourselves! Standing there slagging her off like she’s done this purely to inconvenience you all. That woman in there was so desperate, she was struggling so much! If she’d wanted our attention she’d have done something outrageous, not slipped off into the toilet and-“ she broke off, unable to complete the sentence, unable to contemplate that Charity had been so tortured that she’d only seen one way out. She could barely begin to imagine what her last thoughts must have been. “This wasn’t for attention, this was utter desperation and if you’d all just stop and _think_ for half a second you’d maybe realise that she doesn’t do all this stuff because she’s vindictive and spiteful. She does it because she is screaming for help and you just tarnish her with the same brush you always have. Is there any wonder she’s given up on herself? That she doesn’t see a point in trying when you’ve clearly all made your minds up about her anyway!”

The dumbfounded silence echoed around the waiting area. It might have looked comical, the petite woman squaring up to the brawny bunch, their wide eyes and shocked faces all gawping down at her. Vanessa could almost imagine Charity stood with them; she’d have one eyebrow quirked, a cocky little smirk across her lips, a mischievous spark in green eyes that would be fixated impressively on her girlfriend, silently applauding her fierceness. She can imagine it so clearly that when she dared to flicker her own eyes over the rest of Charity’s family, tears instantly sprang to the back of them because she’s not there. She’s down the corridor with a team of surgeons who’re fighting for the life that Charity had attempted to give up on. 

Vanessa’s lower lip trembled and she turned her back on the rest of the Dingles, folding her arms across her chest, her head dipped low. 

“We all let her down.” She whispered, unable to stop the tears spilling over. Her insides were aching with guilt, what she’d do to go back in time and instead of telling her to leave, she’d make her stay. Keep her safe. “If anything happens to her, I won’t forgive any of you and I certainly won’t ever forgive myself.” 

IXIXIXI

None of them had spoke since Vanessa’s outburst, she’d sat herself down in the chairs furthest away from the Dingles, teeth clenched in anger, jaw set. She was tense, her arms were crossed tightly against her chest and she was breathing heavily through her nose, trying to fight of the nausea once more. 

She heard the clearing of a throat before the voice and it made her jump, he must have crept quietly towards her. 

“Vanessa,” Zak’s griff voice permeated the air and she unwound herself, turning to face him stiffly. He was holding out a vending machine coffee, his other hand held aloft as though he was approaching a wild animal in distress, scared he was about to get bitten. She accepted the cup with a murmur of thanks, the words scratching her throat. Coffee was the last thing she wanted or needed, she was jittery enough, but it seemed this was a peace offering and she didn’t have the energy to argue with them. 

“We’re, uh, we’re sorry.” He began, shuffling his feet awkwardly, eyes cast to the floor for a moment before he took a breath and found the courage to meet her gaze. “About what we said. We didn’t realise- well, we had no idea you see that she was-“ Zak broke off, apparently he was struggling to phrase it too. Maybe none of them wanted to believe someone who seemed to unbreakable had finally shattered. 

“We had no idea she really felt that way, I wish she’d have spoken to one of us.” A softer voice this time, Debbie had swooped by Zak and taken it upon herself to slide into the seat beside the fretting blonde. It seemed that now they were sure Vanessa was calm, they weren’t afraid to approach her. She caught the younger girl’s eyes and saw the fear in her expression, the fear that matched her own face which was reflected in the overly glassy orbs in front of her. Sniffing, the petite woman nodded and placed her hand comfortingly on the brunette’s knee, who quickly covered Vanessa’s hand with her own. 

“Joe’s going to bring Noah.” Debbie let her know, tapping her thumb against the mobile phone that was clasped in her other hand. “I didn’t want to tell him- but village gossip and- he’d want to be here if- he should be here-“ Charity’s eldest was struggling with her words, her voice catching in her throat. She tilted her head towards the ceiling and blinked rapidly, forcing her tears away. Vanessa watched her, watched her erase her emotions and square her shoulders, ready for the appearance of her little brother, ready to go off and tell Sarah whatever fate beheld Charity. And she was so much like her in that moment. 

She didn’t have the chance to offer her any words of comfort, because a Doctor in blue scrubs was making a beeline for the group. 

“Charity Dingle’s family?”

Vanessa leapt up from her seat, heartbeat pulsing in her throat, her mouth lacking moisture. 

“Charity has been very lucky.” The doctor began, his dark eyes scanning the group as he addressed them. Vanessa immediately felt like smacking him in the mouth after he released those words, because her girlfriend had been far from it. Again, the surge of anger shocked her, but she blamed the panic and willed herself to calm down so she could focus on his next sentence. “She regurgitated most of what she had swallowed before they could absorb fully into her system and all of her tests have come back clear. She won’t suffer any lasting damage from the overdose, physically.” 

“Oh, thank God,” Vanessa heard Chas whisper behind her. Although she couldn’t find words, her knees wobbled and she felt Paddy’s hands on her shoulders, steadying her as she let out a tiny whimper of relief. Charity was okay. Physically. 

“She’s being given fluids and we’re still going to need to monitor her, but she’s awake and we’re going to have one of our psychiatrists speak to her as soon as she’s feeling well enough.” 

Vanessa felt the tension then, all of them thinking the exact same. There was no way Charity would agree to that. 

“Can I see her?”

At her question, the Doctor shifted awkwardly, one corner of his mouth turning down as he sucked in a breath through his teeth. 

“Ah, now, she’s made it absolutely clear that she doesn’t want visitors.” 

“But we’re family!” Debbie instantly protested, head flying around to exchange a baffled glances with the rest of her family. Vanessa didn’t look back at them, she could feel the dead weight of dread settling in her stomach once more. 

“Please, let me see her.” The blonde woman tried, her voice soft and pleading. She saw the sympathetic crease around the edge of the Doctors eyes and knew he was going to refuse. 

“Yeah, come on, she’ll see Vanessa.” Zak pressured, nudging the rest of the clan who nodded in agreement, giving their assurances. 

“I’m her girlfriend.” Vanessa pushed, her lips pressed together hopefully and she swore she could see him waver slightly. With a heaving sigh and an air of reluctance, the Doctor finally gave a nod and the vet felt a very weak smile start to tug at the corner of her mouth. It didn’t quite make it across her face, overtaken by the nerves that suddenly set in her stomach. 

“Alright, I’ll take you to see her. But if she shows any signs of distress or upset, then you’ll have to leave. No arguments?”

Nodding earnestly, Vanessa followed him down the corridor, feeling somewhat guilty when she paused to glance back at Charity’s family. But Paddy have her a tiny smile and a thumbs up and none of them looked particularly angry about only her being allowed to go through- perhaps this was their way of apologising to her. 

She turned her attention back to the double doors she was being lead through, she could feel her nerves twitching in fear and desperation. Vanessa wanted to see her so badly, wanted to see with her own eyes that she was safe but was absolutely terrified of what state her girlfriend would be in. 

The blinds were closed, so she couldn’t even peek into the ward to prepare herself for what she was about to face. Instead, she was left to push the door open, which let out an ominous, warning creek at her entrance. 

She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting, but it shocked her how... _normal_ Charity looked on the outside. Well, aside from the drip that was attached to the back of her hand, the white hospital gown and the fact that she was strapped into pristine white sheets. But the rest of her; her pale, sullen face, the purple shadows under her eyes, the way her hair hung limp around her shoulders, more kinked than curled, she just looked like she was suffering one of her hangovers. Which, considering that she’d had a bottle of vodka on top of whatever else she’d had before storming into Vanessa’s earlier that day, she probably was dealing with consequences of her binge drinking. 

The scowl across her face deepened when the door opened, dark brows furrowing and casting a shadow over her eyes. 

“I said I didn’t want visitors.” She bit out, though her voice was raspy and weakened, lacking its usual venom. 

Vanessa swallowed, eyeing the other blonde uncertainly, because although her attitude hadn’t stung, she had no idea what to say to her girlfriend. She knew what she wanted to say, she wanted to throw herself forward, wrap her arms around the other woman and tell her how scared she’d been, ask her why she hadn’t come to her. A tiny, unwelcome voice in the back of her mind shamefully reminded her that Charity had in fact showed up at her door but had been sent away and the wave of guilt that suddenly hit her caused her knees to buckle under the weight of it. 

“Charity, I’m so sorry.” She whispered, her voice shaking as she made her way over to the bed, needing the seat almost as much as she needed to be closer to her. 

“I don’t need your pity.” Charity kept her tone flat, her face impassive, mask firmly in place; a trait that had come with far too many years of practice. 

“No that’s not- I turned you away! That’s what I’m apologising for. If I’d have known you were thinking of- were you? When you came?”

“Does it matter?”

“Of course it matters! I knew you weren’t okay, as soon as I had someone for Johnny I came looking for you but-“ Vanessa swallowed, her eyes were already overflowing with tears, the harsh whites of the hospital lights reflected in desperate blue. “I would never have told you to leave.” 

Charity didn’t answer, she wasn’t even looking at her anymore, instead picking at the identification hand that had been fastened around her wrist. She swallows hard at the thought of it very nearly ending up an ankle tag, attached to her cold body that would have been laid out on a steel slab before being ‘filed’ away into the wall like paperwork. A bothersome hindrance that no one was looking forward to managing. Shaking her head to rid herself of the self pity, Charity Let out a humourless breath of laughter. 

“I’m even more a victim now, aren’t I? The poor cow who tried to top herself.”

“No one thinks that. But Charity, I did say you should talk to someone-“ 

Even before Charity’s cry outrage at the suggestion, Vanessa new it had been the wrong thing to say. In her frenzied state her mouth had churned out the words before her brain had given them permission to pass her lips. 

“I don’t need a shrink.” The other blonde snapped, cutting across Vanessa and finally meeting her eyes. Her face might have been able to keep up its stony mask of indifference but green hues were swirling with confusion, the woman looked so lost, the mischievous glint had dulled and left them looking empty. “I’m fine. So leave me alone.” 

“You overdosed! That’s not the actions of someone who doesn’t want help! Look, i’m just trying-“

“To decide my life again! I said will you go?”

“Charity,” Vanessa began again, softly this time while trying to keep the fear from her voice. She felt out of her depth, not knowing what to do, not knowing anything other than how much she desperately wanted to help in any way she could. Reaching across the bed, she tried to take Charity’s hand in her own but the simple gesture of affection proved to be too much for the other blonde. She tore her fingers away from Vanessa’s with such a force that the drip attached to the back of her palm was yanked out completely, causing a startled gasp to escape from her mouth at the sudden, sharp sting. 

“Be careful!” 

“I said get out!” Charity screamed, the sound scratching at her throat, leaving it raw. She ignored the blood that was oozing idly from the dislodged drip, soaking into the tape that had failed to keep it in place. “I can’t stand the sight of you!”

Charity meant it, she couldn’t stand the sight of her. Couldn’t stand the care in her eyes, the look of desperation on her face because all Vanessa wanted to do was help. No one had stayed for so long through so much and it was terrifying. She couldn’t bear it. There was no way for her to escape, it wasn’t like she could up and leave and so she needed Vanessa out. 

“You either get out or I call for someone to come and throw you out.” She growled, with as much venom as she could muster, her eyes narrowed as they homed in on the ones that were filling rapidly with tears once more. 

Vanessa didn’t try to object this time, she couldn’t. A huge lump was wedged near her airway, throat cramping as she struggled to swallow it. Her lower lip trembled and she suddenly turned on heel. The blonde vet tore out of the room, flinging the doors open just as a heavy sob burst free from her mouth. 

“Teeny!” Her head snapped up in surprise; her father was rushing down the corridor with concern etched across his features. “I came as soon as I heard, are you-?”

He never got the chance to finish. Vanessa’s face crumpled and she collapsed into his awaiting hold, clenching the material of his shirt desperately in her fists, her tiny frame trembling violently with the force of the cries wracking her body. She could feel Franks soothing circles on her back, hear his murmurs of comfort and she wanted to say something, to tell him how much it hurt and how she was terrified because though Charity was alive, maybe there was a part of her that had died and all she could see was that depleted look in her eyes. But she couldn’t say a word, couldn’t even choke them out, so she just clutched at him and cried harder. 

IXIXIXI

 

“Oh here we go,” Charity breathed, rolling her eyes at the appearance of her cousin. She watched as Chas made her way over to her bedside, one hand over her producing bump, and sat down on one of the three visiting chairs. “What part of ‘no visitors’ is everyone struggling to understand? You lot I get, but these quacks are supposed to have degrees. Surely they can follow basic-“

“That woman is in bits out there.” She instantly berated, cutting across her incessant rambling and ignoring the petulant sigh that escaped the blonde’s mouth. Her snark wouldn’t wash with Chas. 

“Cry me a river.” Charity mumbled, though didn’t quite meet the dark haired woman’s eye. 

“It isn’t funny, Charity!”

“Oh because I’m splitting my sides here!” The barmaid snapped back, gesturing obviously to her current state; the white sheets that were strapping her to the bed, the drip that had been reinserted correctly into the back of her hand. 

“Vanessa thinks _so_ much about you. God knows why, because you don’t make it easy for the poor beggar.”

Charity was silent. She didn’t know what to say back to that and so she didn’t answer. It was true, she hadn’t made the easy for her. Right from the start she’d tormented her, blew hot and cold, pushed her away and dragged her back. It was a wonder whether Vanessa knew if she was coming or going most days. Yet she stayed, through every single one of her episodes, through the snark and she was there. For some reason unbeknown to Charity, that woman had never quit on her. 

“She gave us all a right telling off for how we’d acted about things. She’s terrifying when she gets going, isn’t she?” 

“What?” That had sparked her attention, and seizing the opportunity to get her cousin talking, Chas explained how Vanessa had let rip at them all. A small smirk tugged at the corners of Charity’s mouth as she listened to the other woman recall how fierce her girlfriend had been. “And she was right, I know we haven’t been there as much as we could have.” She finished. “But you didn’t really think we’d rather you weren’t here, did you?”

Again, she was silent. It was hard to explain. At the time it felt exactly like that, but now she was sober, somewhat calmer, had seen the way her family had rushed to hospital and seen Vanessa’s chalk-white face and red-rimmed eyes, the prominent voice that had spurred her to make such a reckless decision suddenly didn’t seem so cocky. It had shrank to a feeble whimper at the back of her mind. When she tried to conjure it back up, it’s argument was just as meek. 

_Maybe they’re just saying what you want to hear._

Since when did any of them start pussyfooting around folk to spare feelings? No, if they hadn’t meant it, they wouldn’t have said it. Which she could only conclude to mean that they actually _did_ care. 

“I’m sorry we made you feel that way.” 

Charity shook her head, still trying to sort through her mind. It felt like a sponge, dense with heavy thoughts but she was too tired to to continue to fight against her instincts to shut everyone out, especially if it was hurting Vanessa. In spite of herself her heart squeezed painfully at the thought of her so upset, all of it caused by her. 

“She was brilliant when she found you, she did all the right things. Me an’ Vic were in shock and she jumped straight in. But I’ve never seen anyone look so broken or terrified, Charity.” 

The words wound themselves around her ears and she wished she could place her hands over them to block the sound out. She hadn’t thought much about who’d find her, what that could do. Running her tongue along the edge of her teeth in though, she sat back and released a breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding, feeling the moisture prick at the corners of her eyes. 

“Chas-“

“It’s okay, I’m just glad we found you when we did.” 

She met the darker haired woman’s eyes and saw that they were also slightly glassy. Charity’s eyes fell to the bump that her cousins hand lay over and she gave a small nod. 

“Why don’t you get off, yeah? Get your feet up and make Paddy fetch you a brew. Tell him to bust out his secret stash of biscuits that he thinks we don’t know is hidden in the tin up the cupboard.” She flashed the other woman a grin that almost made her look as though she was back behind the bar, throwing cheek at customers and trying to wind her family up. It just didn’t quite reach her eyes. 

Taking the hint, Chas stood up and hesitated, wanting to say something more but not knowing if she should. 

“Look, should I-“

“Yeah. Yeah, send her back in.” 

With a pleased grin at her cousin’s decision and a final wave, Chas disappeared from the room, leaving Charity to await the appearance of her girlfriend once more. Her stomach felt uneasy— nerves, she realised. 

When the door opened again barely a few minutes later, Charity knew she wasn’t the only one feeling tense. 

Vanessa looked pale and the pinkness that outlined her eyes from the tears she’d shed stood out starkly. Her ponytail was sloppy now, strands of hair tumbling down from it and framing her ashen face. 

“Hey,” Charity was the first one to speak, she felt she needed to put the other woman’s mind at ease. She wasn’t going to snap, she didn’t have the energy. Vanessa tried to offer her a smile when she moved towards her, but her chin wobbled and Charity couldn’t help but throw out her hand this time, offering it out to her. The action sent the smaller blonde over the edge and she let out a quiet whimper as her fingers linked with Charity’s, gripping tightly like she was suddenly worried her girlfriend would change her mind and try to let go. 

“Don’t, Ness, come here.” Using gentle force to pull her closer, taller woman shuffled up to make a space for her. When Vanessa was perched beside her, she reached out with her other hand and lightly cupped Charity’s cheek, her thumb brushing lightly against her skin. “I’m sorry-“

“No, no don’t you apologise. I’m sorry, Charity.” Vanessa whispered, paying no attention to the tears that rolled down her cheeks and forcing herself to continue. She’d had more than enough time to think things over now and she knew exactly what she wanted to say. “I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through, everything you felt that made you think this was your only option. And this isn’t pity, because you don’t need pitying, you’re the strongest woman I know.” 

Her hand left Charity’s face for a moment so swipe impatiently at her own, erasing the tears that were itching her cheeks before returning her palm back to where it had been previously. “And you know your family think you’re the tough one too, the one they don’t need to watch out for because you’ve got this. And you have, you have got this Charity but you’ve also got me too, to help you. If you’ll let me. Because that’s all I want to do.” 

Charity listened, feeling her eyes grow wetter the more Vanessa spoke, the sincerity of her voice leaking through the guard around her heart. It didn’t feel like they were breaking the walls, because the blue orbs that had captured hers were so certain, so secure, that letting her in could only be strengthening her. 

“Why? It would be so much easier for you to find someone else, someone less damaged.” The taller blonde wasn’t sure if she was asking out of genuine worry that it would happen or simply out of curiosity. A bit of both, she decided. 

“Yeah, it would be super easy wouldn’t it? Easy to just jump and care for someone else the way I care for you. I could do that in a heartbeat.” Vanessa rolled her eyes, the hint of a smile passing across her lips, though recognised that this was one of her girlfriends biggest insecurities. 

“I don’t get why you care so much. It can’t be worth it.” 

“You mean _you_ don’t see why you’re worth it?” Vanessa spoke gently, worried about upsetting Charity again or causing her to throw up her defences. She was met with silence, but not anger. There was no point in lying, somehow the other blonde had managed to work out part of what was going around in her head. 

“Why do you never think you are?” Vanessa sighed, though a thoughtful frown knitted her brows together and she continued on, answering her own question. “You’ve formed an opinion on yourself based on how only a tiny sample of people in this world made you feel, how they treat you. And I understand why, I understand that your parents are supposed to be the people who love you no matter what and I can see how you’d have constructed your worth based on how you were treated by them, by those pathetic excuses for men, but listen to me please, Charity. And please believe me.” She’d let go of her hand now and both of them were gently clutching either side of her face, making sure the other woman couldn’t look away, couldn’t pretend she didn’t want to hear. Her eyes were a brilliant olive green under the bright ceiling lights and they were sparkling even more intensely due to the tears that had fully gathered in them. Part of Vanessa was worried she might push her too far, but her girlfriend wasn’t protesting, she was listening. 

“You’re so strong, you’re brave and you know how amazing I think you are. Do you know those kids out there? They need you. Yes, they’re stubborn and hot headed and they’re so flaming good at arguing I’d be looking at law school.” 

“Oh the irony” Charity manger to murmur, her voice sounding thick, a weak smile tugging at her lips. “A Dingle working on the right side of the law?”

Vanessa let out a soft breath of laughter, though soon grew serious again before Charity could try and distract her with sarcasm. 

“What I’m saying is that your kids are resilient, they all know exactly what they want, they’re so headstrong and god help anyone who gets in the way of what they want. They’re incredible. They’re like that because of you, because of how they’ve seen you fight for everything you’ve got right now.” 

“Ness, stop.” Charity finally whispered, her voice cracking. She was blinking rapidly, trying to force back the tears, the muscles in her face were twitching with the effort it was taking to hold it together. 

Vanessa stroked one soothing fingertip down her cheek. “And I’m here because this amazing, strong and beautiful woman is everything I could ever want. I’m so lucky to have you, I’m so grateful that you’re here. I wish you could see yourself for even half the person I see in front of me because you’d never doubt the way I feel about you again.” 

Charity turned her head away then, eyes slamming shut as a sob broke free. She tried to take in a slow lungful of air but it was sharp and sudden, another cry causing her chest to heave. For one second Vanessa was terrified the other woman was about to order her out again, but when she stretched out her arms to reach for her Charity fell into them. 

“It’s okay, I’ve got you. I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here.”

Charity believed her. As much as there was still a rapidly dwindling part of her that wanted to push Vanessa away, it seemed her heart was done fighting, it was tired of hurting. She wanted whatever this was that Vanessa is so willingly prepared to give her. So she let herself sink into the embrace, crying into the smaller woman’s chest, soaking her top while Vanessa used gentle fingertips to soothe her, combing through her hair, rubbing circles against her back. 

Vanessa kept her hold firm, needing it almost as much as the other woman, relief was spreading through her chest at having finally made some kind of breakthrough. When the other blondes sobs had subsided and her ragged breaths had started to even out, she pulled back slightly from her hold, just far enough away so that she could look up at Vanessa, who used the pad of her thumb so brush away the dampness beneath Charity’s eyes, the skin beneath her eyes pink and raw where the onslaught of tears had irritated her skin. 

Her usual curls had long since dropped out, her hair hung limp and dull down her shoulders, parts of it still clumped and dry. On closer inspection, Charity concluded it could only be sick that had remained in the lifeless tresses. 

“Ugh, that’s rank.” She grimaced, wrinkling her nose in disgust and straining her neck as though she could get away from it. “How can you stand to be near me?”

“Occupational hazard.” Vanessa shrugged, a small smirk forming across her lips. It was hardly going to put her off, not when she considered the things she came into contact with daily in the surgery. Or used to. This suspension couldn’t come to an end soon enough for her. 

“Cheeky mare.” Charity murmured, though she was smiling too, albeit weakly. Her eyes were dropping and she looked beyond tired. 

“Get some sleep,” the smaller blonde whispered, her fingertips still gliding carefully over the top of her head. She looked hesitant for a moment, as though she wanted to ask something. Charity glanced up at her, watching her through bleary eyes. It brought a comfort that she was getting far too familiar with, having her near like this, the soothing motions of her hand against her scalp lulling her further into the pull of sleep. She parted her lips just as Vanessa took a breath to speak. 

“Can I-“

“Stay.” Charity finished for her, causing the other blonde to sag in relief, the tension dropping from her shoulders as she gave a small nod. It had been exactly what she was about to ask. 

Vanessa manoeuvred herself carefully, finding a more comfortable position on the bed. It was small, but so was she and they found that they were able to slot together quite easily with Vanessa propped against the pillows and Charity using her girlfriends chest as her own, her arm winding around a slender waist. 

“‘Ness?” 

“Yeah?” Her voice was just as soft as the other blonde’s, eyes dipping down to meet Charity’s with nothing but care in her calm, blue gaze. The taller woman didn’t answer, just continued to watch her expectantly as she tilted her chin up towards her. Taking the hint, Vanessa leant forwards, reaching out to brush a lock of blonde hair behind the other woman’s ear, her thumb grazing the shell of it before sliding down to cup her cheek, drawing nearer until their lips met. It was gentle, a welcome contrast to the usually inflamed ones that Charity tried to distract her with, whenever things started to get too emotionally heavy for her liking. It worked for the most part, Vanessa had yet to find out what kind of mental strength it took to be able to refuse the taller woman and part of her didn’t want to know; there was a passion between them she hoped she would always succumb to. But this time was different. It amazed her how someone who projected such a hard front could have lips so soft, that someone who could snap so bitterly was capable of kissing her as sweetly. 

Vanessa wasn’t naive enough in thinking that everything was okay now, it was far from it. She knew there’d be more days of screaming, of tears and getting to the bottom of Charity’s very serious lapse in mental health was going to be challenging and frustrating and extremely painful on Charity’s part. But she was determined that they would get through it and vowed that the woman now sleeping in her arms would never feel as though she wasn’t worth fighting for ever again. 

“From now on, you never go a day without knowing just how special you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and all of the lovely comments I received. I didn’t expect such a positive response and I was really nervous because I’m ‘new’ to the fandom and chose such a heavy topic. I’m flattered that so many people have enjoyed reading this and I hope I didn’t upset anyone too much!


End file.
